You can go to the seminars, you do all of the testing. Sleep tests to see if you have Sleep Apnea and Psychological testing to see if you can with stand the life style changes and keep with it. Tests on your blood to make sure you're healthy enough, many seminars so that you understand what will happen before, during and after the surgery. A consultation with a nutritionist where you learn just how much fat and sugar you've been consuming in horrifying detail. This woman pulled out some silicone molded thing that represented the amount of fat in various foods. There were vials filled with sugar that showed you the sugar content in things from fruit juices all the way to donuts and sodas.
It's like being taken to a slaughter house and shown exactly what goes into those favorite hot dogs of yours. The complete and utter disgust then there is the guilt that omg you've been feeding your family and child this crap. Then comes the paranoia and insane reading of every nutritional label that you come across. I've become this person who constantly talks about sugar content in everything. I look at the normal fruit juices and there's an insane amount of sugar. Then I look at the no sugar added versions and there's more than the normal versions. How insane is that? See there I go ranting.
So then you have the surgery and everything changes. You're on liquids, then baby food like consistency and finally the glorious day where you're on solids. It's like the angels are singing and there's this bright shine of light from the heavens. Only then you have to relearn to eat. Suddenly the stomach that could take a whole medium pizza by itself can barely get down a few ounces of food. You are suddenly struck by the realization of just how much your life has changed. But you're losing weight. At an amazing rate but that is your body literally starving itself and eating all the stored fat. Then comes the six month mark and you can finally eat pork and beef. I nearly cried in relief that day. I was never so happy to make a pot roast and taste the juicy, delicious slow cooked slab of beef. It was like I was eating a delicate expensive cut of meat when it was just a cheap piece of beef. But to me it represented a freedom and release from the never ending chicken, turkey and fish I had been eating.
Now I'm at the 10 month mark and I'm struggling with the foods I can't eat. The foods I miss. Yeah you think you're going to miss the fast food parts the most but you can eat a burger and fries you just have to make them yourselves and it's healthy that way. As long as that's not all you eat. No what I truly and completely miss is the ability to get a freshly baked loaf of French bread that's still steaming. Slathering the butter on it and just feeling it melt in your mouth. I miss popcorn desperately and I can't eat it because it's corn. Your body doesn't digest corn and it's empty calories. I've been scared to try it and I suppose I could try a few kernels but I'm not sure how my body can handle it. Maybe on a braver day and in much moderation.
Food is a social thing and that is most definitely driven home here in the south. Especially here in New Orleans where gumbo, delicious bits of fried dough and powered sugar, and everything deep fried is the norm. I simply cannot eat those foods and when I'm in a group with people obviously enjoying their food but I'm searching for anything that I could tolerate it depresses me a bit. I feel set aside like I'm not part of the group and it makes me feel like that lonely kid in elementary school.
I struggle with these feelings. I've accepted I have a problem with food and I was addicted to it. I think I'll always be addicted to how food made me feel. That the emptiness went away when I was eating. Now I have to find other ways to deal with those feelings of inadequacy and insecurities. Now I have to become a healthy minded person and learn adult coping techniques. Who knew it would make me grow up! Which is completely not fair I mean who wants to grow up?
I wonder if I've done the right thing sometimes. If there were more things I could have tried. If I could have stuck to eating healthier and getting off my fat ass and exercising. I logically know that yeah I could have if I hadn't had such will power problems and depression and physical pain keeping me down. I would have yo yo'd and struggled with my weight for the rest of my life. So yes I did the right thing. For myself and for my daughter. She eats healthier than most adults. Her choices in foods and cuisines are varied. She's amazing and I love her so I never, ever want her to experience life as the fat kid. I don't want that for her and I think that she is the main reason I had the surgery. Yeah there were secondary reasons for myself. I was tired of feeling like I did and I wanted out of being fat. I didn't want to be that fat mom who couldn't keep up with her kid and so many other things.
I did an amazing thing. I took a leap and changed my life. I have done things that most people cannot even fathom. A complete life overhaul. A complete change to myself and engaging myself in a life long struggle. I'm healthy now though. I've lost 137lbs which is more than I could have ever imagined. I wear a size 12 but I still see myself as that big girl. I'll look in the mirror at night when I'm getting ready for bed and have a startling realization that the person looking back is really me. I look completely different and it's disconcerting but in a good way. I always imagined how it would be after the surgery.
I would lose the weight and have no complications. I've be able to be in less pain and I could shop in a non plus size store. I could be normal. Which is all I ever really wanted. I never wanted to stick out because at heart I am terribly shy and insecure. Instead of being able to focus on what an accomplishment I have done I'm focusing on the things that have gone wrong. I still hurt and that's because of my Fibromyalgia. My nerves work overtime and I'm always in some sort of pain. Only pain medications don't really work because I don't absorb things like other people. I have to take liquid tylenol which tastes awful and it has to be a higher than recommended dose. So I rarely actually take it and just deal with the pain. The physical therapy is helping though. I still can't work really because there's another medical problem that showed up after the surgery that my doctors can't quite figure out how it happened.
I have Orthostatic Hypotension. Which basically means I have the low blood pressure of an 80 year old woman. I stand up and the world spins with all the fun of nearly blacking out. I'm on medication for it but half the time I forget to take my second dose. I find that the further I get out from my surgery the less attention I pay to my medication schedules, to how much I'm eating and other things. I'm getting lax when it comes to the eating but then my stomach says 'hey woah you ate too much so now I'm going to make you feel like you're going to die for a while so ha! Take that woman.' I learn and I deal and I try to move forward.
With all that going on all I can seem to focus on is that I'm 29 with a Bariatric Surgeon, a Rhuemetologist, a Cardiologist and way too many specialists. It seems wrong to me.
This is a good thing I've done. It's a hard thing I've done and I really should be proud of myself but I forget to be. There is no quick fix for anything and for the people who think this surgery is the easy way out you're fucking bonkers. You try major surgery and a complete lifestyle change and see how easy it is. So screw y'all.
My goals for the next part of my life is to stop focusing on the negative. To try and realize just how much I've accomplished. To realize that I can be a wonderful person and I can be a good mother. To stop being so damned hard on myself.
I'm skinnier and yes I have an amusing amount of excess skin. That I've decided to take amusement from instead of annoyance. It helps to joke. I have a beautiful daughter who will never have the same pain and problems I had. I have a husband who puts up with my crap and still manages to love me deeply. So for all my issues and other crap that life throws at you I really am blessed. Those are what are important and that is what I'm trying to realize.
This is my life and it's time to start living it the best I can.
