I have a whole list of invisible challenges and disabilities that make everyday life and taking care of my children difficult. I have Bipolar II which I got from my father as well as Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and pretty severe Anxiety which is a result of physical abuse from my father. Trying to explain to my eldest Emma that she cannot jump out and scare me it will make mommy have a panic attack and mommy will curl up on the floor in a corner going 'please don't hurt me' over and over again. I have explained to her, after getting advice from my therapist, that mommy has something wrong with the chemicals in her brain and her daddy hurt her a great deal when she was little. It left her with something called PTSD and I get really scared very easily so you have to be careful with me.
On top of all of that I also have Fibromyalgia, Chronic Pain related to two bulging discs and coccydynia which showed up right after I lost the weight. Which SCA people will remember fat me vs skinny me. I've seen many doctors about why the tailbone would suddenly start hurting other than the history of physical abuse. I even had a bone scan done and it showed nothing, x-rays showed nothing, and when they did the MRI of my back nothing showed on there either. I see doctor after doctor trying to fix all of these problems.
I know I will never be cured of the Bipolar but I can manage it so I can be a better mother, wife, daughter, sibling and friend. I'm going to try something called EMDR for the PTSD its said to have good results. I'm tired of jumping when people move too quickly with that rush of adrenalin followed with oh god can I get away? When I walk in a room I know the exits. It had gotten better but now it's getting worse. It depends I guess on what's happened in my life and how much stress I'm under.
I hate that this make me less of a mother for my children that I want to be. I'm better than I use to be. I got the diagnosis of Bipolar when Emma was about 2 and when I got the right medications it was a blessing things got clearer and it was amazing.
I watch them. I watch myself. I'm always monitoring my behavior to see am I on an upswing is this getting on a depressive switch? Are they getting the mom they deserve? Am I getting overly mad at something simple that doesn't require such anger? I feel like I'm constantly walking a tight rope. It's exhausting.
One day I will have to sit down with both girls when they reach puberty and have the Bipolar discussion with them. I'm not too concerned about the sex talk we haven't been ooo sex bad if it comes up even now. I'll have to explain that Bipolar can run in families and I'll have to give them signs to watch for and give her phone numbers she can call if she doesn't feel comfortable talking to us. No judgement just love. She will ask one day about the scar on my left arm though because I've seen her looking at it and playing with it. How do you explain to your kid that you were in so much pain that you didn't want to die you just wanted to feel it on the outside?
