After we moved to Washington I started physical therapy again and the pain got better for a while but then I had to go back again. I was sent to a bone doctor who told me it was pointless to have an MRI and I would just have to keep doing physical therapy he didn't see anything really wrong with me. I ignored his ass and asked to see someone else so my primary care doctor sent me to a pain clinic where I finally got an MRI of my back and discovered that the reason my back kept going out on me was I had two bulging discs. Well take that bone doctor. I was so angry who was he to tell me I was just going to have to live with it and he did tell me that.
So then my journey started with the pain doctor. I was prescribed pain medications, muscle relaxants and to focus on taking care of my children to leave the housework alone until things got under control. I was relieved to finally to know what was wrong but I felt so useless and even taking care of my baby was getting harder she kept getting heavier she was growing from a newborn to baby and into a toddler. In the meantime the doctor explained there were procedures we could try that may work to help alleviate the pain. My tailbone hurt badly so we tried one there and it didn't really work. So then we tried focusing on the bulging disc in my lower back but I couldn't tell if it made much of a difference because the one that gave me the most problem was the one in the middle back.
He recently did a procedure on the left side of the disc and it helped a bit but the pain starts on the right side and radiates from there. That's where the next injection is going to be. We're going in this Thursday to get it done. It's a temporary dose and if it works they will do a more permanent one that will last for around 6 months. Gods that would be wonderful. I could do it on the right and left side. The idea of not having to have pain medication and being even slightly pain free is wonderful.
My problem with pain medications is because of my weight loss surgery. A Gastric Bypass is a malabsorbtic procedure it basically starved my body by re-configuring my insides. Now my stomach is smaller and my upper intestine is bypassed hence the gastric bypass name. It also means that when I take medications I don't absorb them so I need higher doses. That means my medications from my psychiatrist needs higher doses and medications from my pain doctor but they are closely watch by the DEA. I understand this but when you're in severe pain and you are trying to explain this to your doctor it isn't easy. Especially when I don't like confrontation. He will only up the dose of my medications once and I already had to have him change the medication I take. I have to take liquids because I absorb them better and the one I was on was discontinued so explaining that to him and having him give me the one the pharmacist said they had was not easy.
It's just so hard. I really don't have much family here no support system other than Carey and he doesn't have anyone to rely on when I'm leaning on him so hard. I'm stressed and he's stressed that doesn't make for a good combination. The girls can tell we're stressed and I worry about Emma and Abby growing up seeing me like this being less than a real person. Less than a whole person and I hate it. I get so angry and frustrated that I want to cry or throw something but what's the point. What will that really achieve I'll more than likely hurt myself I'm accident prone.
I see a therapist and it helps but there's only so much that talking can do. I don't remember what it's like to be pain free. Those aren't even words or situations I can comprehend. I want to be able to do things with my children hell that's part of the reason I had the Gastric Bypass! I lost all this weight and I'm still not able to be there fully for them. Just because I look fine does not mean I am fine. Maybe in time something will help. They'll find a new technology or I'll learn to meditate.
Paige found a website that was helpful for me to read and I sent to Carey. Maybe it will be helpful for anyone who reads this. How to Understand Someone with Chronic Pain
