Moving to Houston

We've had some good news recently! We got our first pick from our dream sheet. Houston, TX which means we'll be within 5 to 6 hours of my mom, sisters and Carey's family. That will be such a help and a great support system. Instead of being up here with just a couple of friends. Carey is also being promoted which is such a relief for our money woes and situation which had been plaguing up.

Abby is such a busy toddler. It's not that she really does anything but she's into everything. She's such a smart little girl that she needs to be stimulated all the time. It's exhausting but I love her with all my heart.

We had talked about our parameters before we tried for another baby. He had to get promoted so we could afford it, we would be moving so we could afford a house with more room and my bipolar had to be under control. We've met all these goals and now we're talk about what we're going to do now. Abby is at a good age. She's going to be three in August. If I waited for a good age to try for a baby there would never be a good one. Kids are always going to be difficult sometimes in some ways.

This is what we want to do. Although accord to my psychiatrist who I was talking to so I could get on safer medications for a baby kept saying that it just didn't make sense to her that I would want another baby. I had two already and I was busy with Abby. What if I ended up with another one like Abby?

That infuriated me so much. I love my psychiatrist and we have a good relationship but this just pissed me off. I'm not even going to mention to my pain doctor that we're going to try. He hates when I bring my kids to my appointments so the moment I find out my I'm pregnant I'm going to stop my medications and call him. Then we'll find out what medications are safe. I just can't have another hard conversations where my anxiety shoots through the roof and I feel like I'm battling with my doctors. Especially with one I already have issues with.

I'm just glad we're leaving soon. I want to be leaving sooner and just get this all done with but Emma has to finish school and transfer season doesn't technically start until summer time. We're planning on leaving some where on the week of June 22nd. Have the movers come pack that day, have them load up the next day, then we can clean the apartment get things taken care of and we're off.

It isn't coming fast enough.

Mimicking Mommy

My little 2 year has taken to mimicking mommy. My injection in my back is wearing off so my pain level has increased while as the same time she has become more attached to me. She's asking repeatedly for me to come down and play with her as well as picking her up constantly or have her sit in my lap all day. Between my tailbone which almost always hurts and my back it makes it hard to do those things. I try to gently explain to her that mommy can play for a little while but then I have to get up because mommy's back hurts.

Then she starts to tell me her back hurts or her belly hurts or some various part of her body hurts. It breaks my heart that she wants me to do things that I can't do and then she starts to act like me. She's just too young to really understand. She's not like her older sister who is 8 and has more of a comprehension for my conditions. The eldest doesn't always like it but she does understand the best she can.

Sometimes I just don't know what to do beside wanting to cry.

Tomato Basil Soup

Fall is here and it's finally getting cooler. That means jeans and warm sweaters. It also means it time for soups, stews, pies, and all the wonderful foods from this time of year. I have a favorite soup that I love to make there is a full fat absolutely yummy version and a healthier version that is still yummy. I'm going to give you both recipes here. First the original version which is my take on La Madeline's Tomato Basil Soup. The very best part of this soup is if you have left over soup you can use it as pasta sauce. I've used it in lasagna, with handmade pizza on my pizza stone, fresh mozzarella, prosciutto, and with any type of pasta. It's really versatile.

Tomato Basil Soup

• 4 cups (8-10) tomatoes, peeled, cored and chopped or 4 cups canned whole tomatoes, crushed (I prefer crushed it's just easier for me)
• 4 cups tomato juice
• 12-14 fresh washed basil leaves (I tend to prefer an extra handful of basil leaves but everyone has their own tastes. I would try it out a few times and figure what you like.)
• 1 cup heavy (whipping) cream
• 1/2 c (1 stick) sweet, unsalted butter
• Salt to taste
• 1/4 teaspoon cracked black pepper (I will alternately use black and white pepper. My daughter doesn't like pepper so I use the white to sneak the flavor in there without her throwing a fit. She loves the soup when she doesn't see the black flecks.)

How to:
1. Combine tomatoes, juice (or juice-stock mixture) in a saucepan.
2. Simmer 30 minutes. Let cool slightly.
3. Puree, along with the basil leaves, in small batches, in blender, food processor (or better yet, one of those hand-held food blenders).
4. Return to saucepan and add cream and butter, while stirring, over low heat until cream and butter are incorporated. Garnish with basil leaves and serve with your favorite warm bread.

The soup will look a bit different than the original  but that's because of the non fat half and half and the margarine. If you want to use butter instead of margarine that's fine. I don't think that butter is going to kill you unless you're on a doctor ordered diet. It still tastes good though.


Tomato Basil Soup Lite

• 4 cups (8-10) tomatoes, peeled, cored and chopped or 4 cups canned whole tomatoes, crushed (I prefer crushed it's just easier for me)
• 4 cups tomato juice or V8 juice the extra vitamins are nice
• 12-14 fresh washed basil leaves (I tend to prefer an extra handful of basil leaves but everyone has their own tastes. I would try it out a few times and figure what you like.)
• 1 cup fat free half and half
• 1/2 c margarine
• Salt to taste
• 1/4 teaspoon cracked black pepper (I will alternately use black and white pepper. My daughter doesn't like pepper so I use the white to sneak the flavor in there without her throwing a fit. She loves the soup when she doesn't see the black flecks.)

How to:
1. Combine tomatoes, juice (or juice-stock mixture) in a saucepan.
2. Simmer 30 minutes. Let cool slightly.
3. Puree, along with the basil leaves, in small batches, in blender, food processor (or better yet, one of those hand-held food blenders).
4. Return to saucepan and add cream and butter, while stirring, over low heat until cream and butter are incorporated. Garnish with basil leaves and serve with your favorite warm bread.

Dealing with Pain

I have a whole list of invisible challenges and disabilities that make everyday life and taking care of my children difficult. I have Bipolar II which I got from my father as well as Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and pretty severe Anxiety which is a result of physical abuse from my father. Trying to explain to my eldest Emma that she cannot jump out and scare me it will make mommy have a panic attack and mommy will curl up on the floor in a corner going 'please don't hurt me' over and over again. I have explained to her, after getting advice from my therapist, that mommy has something wrong with the chemicals in her brain and her daddy hurt her a great deal when she was little. It left her with something called PTSD and I get really scared very easily so you have to be careful with me.
On top of all of that I also have Fibromyalgia, Chronic Pain related to two bulging discs and coccydynia which showed up right after I lost the weight. Which SCA people will remember fat me vs skinny me. I've seen many doctors about why the tailbone would suddenly start hurting other than the history of physical abuse. I even had a bone scan done and it showed nothing, x-rays showed nothing, and when they did the MRI of my back nothing showed on there either. I see doctor after doctor trying to fix all of these problems.
I know I will never be cured of the Bipolar but I can manage it so I can be a better mother, wife, daughter, sibling and friend. I'm going to try something called EMDR for the PTSD its said to have good results. I'm tired of jumping when people move too quickly with that rush of adrenalin followed with oh god can I get away? When I walk in a room I know the exits. It had gotten better but now it's getting worse. It depends I guess on what's happened in my life and how much stress I'm under.
I hate that this make me less of a mother for my children that I want to be. I'm better than I use to be. I got the diagnosis of Bipolar when Emma was about 2 and when I got the right medications it was a blessing things got clearer and it was amazing.
I watch them. I watch myself. I'm always monitoring my behavior to see am I on an upswing is this getting on a depressive switch? Are they getting the mom they deserve? Am I getting overly mad at something simple that doesn't require such anger? I feel like I'm constantly walking a tight rope. It's exhausting.
One day I will have to sit down with both girls when they reach puberty and have the Bipolar discussion with them. I'm not too concerned about the sex talk we haven't been ooo sex bad if it comes up even now. I'll have to explain that Bipolar can run in families and I'll have to give them signs to watch for and give her phone numbers she can call if she doesn't feel comfortable talking to us. No judgement just love. She will ask one day about the scar on my left arm though because I've seen her looking at it and playing with it. How do you explain to your kid that you were in so much pain that you didn't want to die you just wanted to feel it on the outside?

A Little Ice Never Hurt Anyone

Since Pete Frates, former Boston College baseball captain, took the ALS ice bucket challenge viral there has been a huge boost in donations. The ALS Association reports that as of August 19^th the donations are at $22.9 million. That money goes towards research, public and professional education of the disease, and patient and community services, as well as fundraising efforts. The ALS Association is also starting off their season of Walk to Defeat ALS which is another way to raise money.

I have seen the ice bucket challenge take off like a rocket from celebrities to politicians to everyday people have jumped in on this bandwagon. Some commenters have complained about the water being wasted especially in drought starved areas and I can understand that concern. Some commenters are making cynical and snarky comments that the famous are only doing it for publicity and if they wanted to donate money they wouldn't do the challenge, they would simply donate the money. The others have said that we shouldn't be forcing and shaming people into doing some challenge they don’t want to or making donations they don’t want to.

This isn't the first time that celebrities and politicians have gotten together to raise awareness for something. Bono is famous for it and Mia Farrow has been an outspoken activist about the war with Israel and Gaza. It doesn't matter that these people are famous and influential they are still people and as such they have the right to care about something. We do not have the right to judge them simply because they are famous. We don’t own the right to judge anyone for trying to raise awareness and money for a terrible disease.

Peter Frates and thousands of other people are dying of this disease right now. The fact that Stephen Hawkings is still alive after being diagnosed at 20 is an anomaly with this disease and I have no explanation for that. There are estimates that 5,000 people are diagnosed with this disease each year and 250,000 will die this year from it. It generally hits people from 40 to 70 but it can hit anyone anytime. It does not discriminate, it doesn't care what race you are, if you’re in good health or bad or how you live your life. This disease will attack you and you will die because there is no cure right now.

My father died of ALS on May 16^th, 2012 the day before my husband’s birthday while he was on assignment for the United States Coast Guard so it was just me and my 5 year old daughter. I was 6 months pregnant with my now 2 year old daughter. I got the call at 3 am from my sister telling me that dad had died while they were watching Glee. At that time he was on hospice care and in so much pain that they had him on morphine but he loved listening to the music so that’s what they watched.

He had only been diagnosed with ALS for a year. My family had just transferred from New Orleans to Seattle and my dad lived in Oregon so I was glad that I was able to see him from time to time. I regret now that I did not see him more. My youngest sister is my hero. She quit her job and moved in with my dad and stepmother to help care for him.

We watched as he lost the ability to walk and soon was unable to use his hands, then his arms. It was the worst when his speech began to slur. My father was brilliant, his mind skipped back and forth between subjects. We could talk for hours debating religion, then physics, then ridiculous things like Monty Python where we could quote parts of their movies. He drove me insane too. He was so convinced he was right and looking back I think he intentionally did it so I would try debate him and change his mind.

Soon he couldn't talk though then he lost control of the ability to hold his head up and my brilliant, funny, stubborn, kind father was trapped inside his body. You don’t lose the ability to use your mind when you have ALS. Instead you are stuck inside this husk of a body that no matter how much you try and move it. No matter how often you are screaming inside of your head to move that stupid hand it just won’t move. Then you have to watch the indignity of people bathing you, helping you use the restroom, of having your youngest daughter and wife caring for you like you were a baby. The reality is that you are an adult who is dying with no chance of a cure. You are simply a mind inside a husk waiting to die. Can you imagine what that does to a person? In most cases of ALS the diaphragm stops working, they stop breathing and you die.

So you can say what you like about the famous people doing all of this to be self-serving, you can complain about the water but considering the amount of money pouring in I’m pretty sure those famous people are making donations as well.

I will never have my father back and he will never meet the baby I was pregnant with when he died. He will never walk my youngest sister down the aisle when she gets married. He won’t be there for holidays or for me to call when I see something or think of something that he would find interesting.

Awareness for a disease that nobody really thought about and money to help those who have it is a good thing. I think the world should stop being cynical and mean. Try leaving the tiny sphere you have around yourself and be a part of humanity even if it’s just to get doused with a bit of ice.

Dental Woes

So it appears that the liquid pain medication that I take has made my teeth weak. Now I didn't know that the medication could do that or I would have used the fluoride toothpaste that my dentist gave me. I'm really irritated about that. I went to the dentist that week only to find out that I have cavities in all four quadrants of my teeth. My insurance will cover part of the first area but the next two treatments wouldn't be covered if I get them done right now. They would be $1000 each. Now my insurance rolls over on the first of May and would start covering stuff again. My dentists office did some calculations and they estimated that it would be somewhere around $700 to $800 but they can't be sure until they run it in my insurance in May.

I'm so frustrated they used the words root canal if I don't get things taken care of soon especially the first one. We returned some things and scraped together what we could to pay for that. Emma also has two cavities and we got the money for those. I don't know how I'm going to get her back for those. They want to split them up because they're on opposite sides of the mouth but I know my daughter if she freaks out I can't get her back to the dentist. If it gets bad I'm going to use the gas and my insurance doesn't cover that it's $100. As it is I'm getting anxious right now myself just thinking about all this and I'm probably going to have to take an Ativan for my own procedure.

On a good note I finally have a medication to help me sleep that actually keeps me asleep at night. I haven't had a solid night of sleep in over two decades. It's so amazing and although I'm still incredibly stressed the sleep in enabling me to handle it better.

Restrictions

I'm restricted from doing a lot either by doctors orders or simply because doing things makes me hurt. My only job really is to take care of Abby and Emma so a lot of the housework goes to Carey. Which really sucks because he's got a full day of work then he has to come home and try to catch up on things. We're always in catch up mode. The pile of laundry is always growing no matter how much we try to keep up. Now and then I will ignore orders and try to tackle some housework. I'll fold some laundry, clean the kitchen a little. I won't do dishes though that is solely Carey's job I cannot stand doing dishes. Then my body starts to roar at me it tells me how stupid I was that I did too much, I pushed too hard. That if only I had picked one thing and had done just a little it might have been okay. I don't know how to do just a little though I always push too hard. Carey is always getting onto me about that.

There's this feeling of worthlessness, of being completely useless. I sit here and look around at things that need to be done and they taunt me. I am by nature a slightly lazy person. I don't immediately put the dish in the sink although with Abby we have to she gets into everything. Now that I've been told I can't do anything it makes me want to do things. How do I sit here and have any self esteem, any self worth if I can't even help when I choose to. How can I teach my daughters to keep a tidy house unlike how my mother taught me. So I continue to sit here feeling lower and lower staring at the pile of laundry that is beginning to reach the point of becoming alive. What else can I do?